Baby the Hutt, You're Our Only Hope!

May 14th, 2011

Dearest readers, I need your help. I have a problem and I don't know the best way to handle it due to the sensitivity of the subject. See, it is about someone I love most in the world, but I haven't known this person very long. This is why it is so important I do this right. I am not sure how sensitive he is yet and due to our new/"green" communication, I really don't want to damage our relationship. My problem is Ryan is adding some baby fat to his baby fat.  Okay, stop. I am not helping him if I can't be honest about it or if I sugar coat the issue, so, I just need to come out and say it - Ryan is faaaaat! I mean a real roly-poly. He looks like an opened can of biscuits with rubber bands wrapped on his arms and legs. He has the makings of a shar-pei puppy or it is like the Michelin Man had a kid and gave him to us. When he is waking in the morning and protrudes his triple chins during his stretches, he looks like Jabba the Hutt. I hope this snippet helps you see how serious this situation is and why I have to address it now rather than when it is too late. If I don't act now Michelle Obama may come take him from us and put him on a fat farm. Worse yet, she may tell Ang that she can no longer give Ryan a toy with his Boobie-Meal if she doesn't start producing skim-milk instead of her cheesecake lactate. Maybe in her childhood obesity program we can form a marriage with the Dr. Brown's bottle company. We can ask them to make a huge storage unit that holds the milk and filters the fat from the breast milk. This way when Ryan eats, he is just getting water or skim milk. Sounds genius to me.  I will get the ball rolling on that right away-maybe call it the Super Duper Lactate Shooter....a work in progress.
  As I try and face this head-on I feel that I am limited with my options. On one hand I want him to start losing weight, but I don't want to push him away. Maybe if he'd start working out more. Double his tummy time on the Beekman or longer bouts in the Bumbo to work more on his core . (hmm, I am now a poet) These however are not real fat burners so the fat won't just "melt away" like Dan Marino says in his South-Beach-Jenny-watchers ad. Hard-core workout? No dice, Ryan's legs are too much like jelly for the elliptical machine. Also, I am afraid if I tell him to do these things that I am not really teaching him to be self-motivator or learn to deal with challenges on his own? I guess my next option is that I could set up an intervention of sorts. Maybe gather Ang, Frankie, Azzie and Duckie (our cats) to sit him down and face this head on. Frankie can tell him that she just doesn't now him anymore and then start weeping. Azzie can tell Ryan how disappointed he is that Ryan is over eating, not leaving enough for the rest of the family. Maybe Duckie can give him pointers on how she retains her girlish figure year after year. Ang will tell him she is not jealous that he has Princess Leia hand feeding him grapes, now that she is chained to his crib (in perfect Jabba the Hutt fashion), rather he needs to stick to the breast milk. Maybe after this intervention he will see the error of his over eating and start a more figure-friendly diet.
  I just might need a better look at this.....a new perspective. Can being chubbers have its advantages. Let's look at TV and movies - would Tommy Boy be as funny if Chris Farley was skinny? How stupid would it be if Abbott and Castello were two skinny guys? Has Al Roker been as funny or entertaining since his gastric bypass surgery? Healthier yes, but not as entertaining. Outside of the big screen, there are big successful people that are chubby and seem to be doing just fine. Take Guy Fieri, he has two successful restaurants and five television shows (not to mention he is rocking some cool bleached spikes in his wig.) Greats like Joey Fatone, Homer Simpson, Oprah and Santa Claus are some other examples that you can rock the pudge and be just fine. So I guess there can be advantages to the chub, but Brad Pitt doesn't help my case here.
  I know what you are gonna say: Chris, Ryan is just a baby, he'll thin out. Will he? Well,  I need it to happen now. You guys don't have to carry him around. It is like carrying a wiggling, kicking, farting Thanksgiving turkey - not fun! Also, you all aren't giving him baths. I spend at least 15 extra minutes washing under each one of his fat rolls. I have to arch his back just to wash under his chin(s). No joke. Krista, my sis-in-law, told me to "floss" his neck with the wash cloth. Genius! Welp, I guess this is a battle he is just going to have to fight for himself. Should he really be snacking during the night? Should he tell his Mommy, "Hey I am not going to eat and then go straight to bed!" I joke and I kid around because the next time our little Baby the Hutt wants to eat, we'll say heck yeah, anything for you Mr. Chubbers.  I really don't care either way. Honestly, he isn't even that fat, just getting very chubby. It is funny to see considering how little he was just 3 months ago. Ryan is still the cutest baby on the planet (as all parents say) and I wouldn't want him any other way than how we have him. He is a perfect, handsome boy, just has a few more rolls and couple more chins. So no matter what, whether he is Al Roker or Brad Pitt he is still going get the toy in his happy-boobie meal and wash it down with the Dr. Brown's, Super Duper Lactate Shooter. 


See his pics at Say Cheese! and see how our corpulent cutie is filling out:)