Gotcha Where I Wantcha, Now I'm Gonna Eatcha

June 25th, 2011

click to enlarge

Something tells me that I am going to regret pushing Ryan to develop as fast as he can. Why is it that everything I wish for or have been doing to help turd-man develop has come back to bite me in the butt? For instance, when he was wailing during the Colic Era, I wanted nothing more than for him to stop crying. I could see he wanted to smile and laugh. Now, it is like he has no other emotions other than laughing and smiling. I miss the cute cries and necessity of comfort that could only come from his daddy or mommy.  I remember when I wanted him to be able to play without laying on his back. We bought a bouncy chair thingy with pull toys, and musical buttons...bells and whistles. When we bought it Ryan couldn't reach the base that springs him up and down to give him leverage to spin around freely. Now the dude is a freaking bouncy chair thingy pro. The downside is he doesn't pay attention to Ang and I anymore once he saddles up in his bouncy chair thingy. Ang will call his name, Ryan...Ryan....Bubbers!....Ryyyyyaaaaann!" Nothing. Dude finds his flashing lights and rubber elephant  more interesting than his mother and I - chopped liver. One more thing I thought of is how I couldn't wait until our corpulent kiddo moved to foods and cereal so he wouldn't need as much breast milk. Not that I don't want him to feast from the "Dairy Queen" (so elegantly named by Alayna Zimm's), I understand babies will not get better nutrients than that with breast milk. It is just that it is so hard on  Ang to pump at work and fit it in her schedule because she has such a demanding job. It is very trying on her to feed in the middle of the night, in her office, on the road and still be rested or focused enough to perform at her best.  She will never tell anyone this, but I can tell she is tired. Well, now she is pumping just under the amount needed for four feedings in a day while she is at work, so we started to supplement with Similac Organic pre-mixed formula. This eases some pressure from Ang in case she has to work late or out of town. The only draw-back is a big draw-back. His poop is smellier and now cleaning the bottles is a pungent enterprise.  Before Ryan's poo was yellow and not that stinky, but now on a bad day - WATCH OUT!!!!  Freaking stinky dude! Really it is not that bad, but bad enough to wish he was just on breast milk. 

The latest issue with Ryan developing has to do with his new ability to roll over, grab his toes, grab things and put everything he finds in his mouth. Granted I have been on a mission to work with developing Ryan's coordination and motor skills. My plan is something like this: feed himself by 3 months, talking by 6 months, dress himself by 7 months, walking by 8 months, balancing the checkbook by 9 months and driving by 12 months. This way he is self -sufficient and is able to take care of himself for the next 17 years. The payoff would be taking all the money we would have spent on daycare and put it aside for a college fund. It is possible I may have stretched the truth just now, a tad. Seriously though, i do work with him. For the longest time as I have fed him a bottle I would try to get him to hold his own bottle. He is a champ at it now. It is hilarious to watch because sometimes the bottle gets away from him and his lips try to draw it in like he can't breath without it. "I neeeed you bottle!" On the days he wants a pacifier, he will take it out and put it back in all on his own. Little freaky genius! In addition to teaching him to hold his own bottle, I would show him his feet. After a day he was grabbing those his piggy's and shoving them in his mouth. Dude, really? You want to eat your own feet? Ever since, he has been grabbing everything and trying to shovel it in his drooling yapper.  When he lays on the Beekman he pulls a figure four leg lock with the foam arches that hold the hanging toys and brings the toys towards his face so he can grab them like a venus fly trap and begin chewing on his prey. His favorite is the stuffed pig. Somehow that is the one animal that i am always trying to find, because he has ripped it off the arch. Cripes Ryan save some room for DQ later. On one of his outings at Aunt Mandy's (Mimi, too), she said he pulled her hair and pinched her with his toes. Good boy, show her who's boss! I can't take any credit for the toe skills, that is all his mama. Ang has a knack for grabbing things with her toes or even pinching me with her crazy monkey claws. She gets her pay back because now her son rips her earrings out as she is changing his clothes or at the changing station. 

It doesn't matter what we do, if something is within a few feet of him, he is on it like a Hungry Hippo.  He is truly like a venus fly trap or GI Joe kung fu grip because once he has it, he will not let it go. I have to constantly wipe down or wash the soccer ball Kelly from work gave him. He chews on it when he is in his car seat, stroller, bed time or just about anywhere. The funniest thing is he will hold it out in front of him with both hands, get crossed eyed, then quickly bring it in and chomp on it, like a cop on a doughnut. He reminds me of the joke about a haunted church and the live-in priest who kept hearing an echoing voice, "now I gotcha where I want ya now I'm gonna eat ya!" The priest was scared. One evening he was in the study and heard it again, "now I gotcha where I want ya now I'm gonna eat ya!"  He got up, went in the other room to grab a candle stick or anything for a weapon and as he walked it got louder. So he followed it up the stairs and further up the stairs, "now I gotcha where I want ya now I'm gonna eat ya!" and further up the stairs and the voice got louder, "now I gotcha where I want ya now I'm gonna eat ya!" and it got louder and louder. Finally, the priest was at the top of the bell tower and knew that the voice was just on the other side of the door. He opened the hatch and slowly peeked his head through the opening to find a monkey sitting on the ledge picking his nose and every time he had a booger on his finger he'd say, "now I gotcha where I want ya now I'm gonna eat ya!"

Even though I understand that my wishes have no pull on the outcome of this kid and that no matter what I wish for things are good the way God intended. Later on he is going to do algebra and I will pass it along to mommy because I used to copy her homework when we were in school. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and that if he doesn't crawl tomorrow, then he will just learn to crawl another day. I should take comfort in that because if I want him to crawl today that means when he does I will have something go against me. This just means that I will have to take it in stride and enjoy Ryan's pace for a while. If he isn't driving by 12 months, I won't panic, I'll just redo my strategic development plan. My solution is to not push or wish, but rather sit back and watch him ignore me while he monkey grips is soccer ball like a venus fly trap. He'll stare down that ball with predatory crossed-eyes and just before he sinks his gums into the the toys cuddly flesh, I will pretend he is thinking, "now I gotcha where I want ya now I'm gonna eat ya!"