The Greatest Show in Diapers

February 27th, 2011

How many times have you caught yourself praying for something and it never happens? I pray all the time, but sometimes I catch myself praying for something that I know I will not get, like "Dear God please let the crying stop!" "God, please release the air bubbles inside little dude's belly!!" or "God if you silence my baby now, I swear I will never ask for the Packers to win again and yes you may continue to make me bald." As an adult and life-long church goer'er, I know that you should pray to God for the strength to deal with a crying baby three straight hours with maturity and poise. Something tells me that no matter how much I pray for silly things, the bigger lesson is that I have to learn to deal with this without Moses splitting the the air pockets in Ryan's belly or any other miracle for that matter. Gas and farts are just too small of a problem. Especially with the turmoil in Libya, slavery in Africa, the NFL season in the brink of lockout and Justin Bieber cutting his hair. I realize there are great problems in the world. That just does not compute though at 3am when my little ball of gas is corked up like a bottle of champagne. So on the hunt to find the cure for my buckaroo's Colicky tum-tum, I seek the local CVS pharmacy. I am confronted by Little Tummy's Anti-Gas Drops, Gripe Water, which is a licorice smelling Colic drops and a generic version of Mylicon. We first started with the generic version of Mylicon....after 5 days of no results so we try the Gripe Water. The Gripe water worked the first 24 hours, but sure as the Bears do suck, the little dude continued to store toots for the winter. We need a remedy that works! On a outing with my brother's family to the grand baby store, the even less personal version of WalMart for babies, we were on a hunt for a cure to release the farts! Krista, my sister-in-law, described each product to me and what worked for my niece. So thinking what worked at home and what she says, I bought the Little Tummy's. Five days in to these damn drops we realized they suck too. In the meantime we have heard every horror story and read every M.D. website possible. So finally we called the doctor and explained that we either want an answer, prescription or to take the baby back and to give us a refund. After explaining to us the legalities, not to mention the ethical issues, with giving a baby back, the doctor gave us a name for a good shrink (for me, not my wife) and a suggestion for Mylicon drops, not the generic. Crap, I think this is what Krista suggested in the first place. Ten dollars and 43 cents later I am home in front of my baby and proceed to take the eyedropper, dip it in the bottle, squeeze the squishy top to suck the cotton-candy-pink-goo into the clear tube until it reached .3ml. As soon as I place the dropper into the mouth of Ryan, a powerful glow illuminated, blinding me. A burst of air immediately blew across the entire room causing items on the shelves to fall and the power to flicker. It was reminiscent of the time in the Indiana Jones movie when the lid is removed from the Ark of the Covenant.....okay, I am exaggerating a bit...a tiny bit. It was amazing though. We gave him his first set of drops on Wednesday and it is now Sunday with no long, drawn out screaming fits. I actually slept 5 hours straight on Thursday evening and Ang was sleeping in 3 hour increments. I read the side of the bottle and realized that the generic and the real Mylicon drops are NOT the same. Regardless of our deepest gratitude to the Mylicon company, I wish they would have warned us somewhere on the label or the packaging, "Warning: your baby will experience powerful and exploding farts, smiling may occur." I can not begin to describe the deafening force coming out of this nine pound farting machine. It sounds like a cannon shooting Evel Knievel over a heard of buses and if you catch him sleeping, it is similar to machine gun fire. This really brings a whole new meaning to holy crap! I prayed and it happened, but something tells me I am still going to go bald, the Packers control their own destiny and Justin Bieber will still be a cool dude regardless of his hair. In this crazy five week ride, with our baby boy, I have to thank the big guy for each precious moment. I have deemed this 'The Colic Circus' and even though he is finally farting cannon balls and has become the Greatest Show in Diapers, I need to save my prayers for when he is old enough to try and light them on fire.